


To be fair...

by QueenC



Category: 13 Reasons Why (TV)
Genre: Canon Disabled Character, Character Study, Coming Out, M/M, Self-Discovery, Sexuality Crisis, mentions of Alex/Jessica, mentions of OCs - Freeform, mentions of Walex, mentions of Zalex, mentions of any canonical relationship really
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-06-28
Updated: 2020-07-01
Packaged: 2021-03-03 22:20:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,878
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24972991
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QueenC/pseuds/QueenC
Summary: Sometimes you know it all along, sometimes it comes as a big fucking shock. A character study on Alex's and Charlie's individual (and mutual) experiences on discovering their sexualities.
Relationships: Charlie St. George/Alex Standall
Comments: 35
Kudos: 127





	1. Alex

**Author's Note:**

> It's Pride month, y'all! I just couldn't waste this opportunity to explore Alex's and Charlie's thoughts on discovering their sexualities. I'll warn you in advance that this story may sound a little over the place, but it is meant to be so. Figuring out your sexuality is hardly a smooth process, and as a LGBTQ+ person myself, I didn't feel like playing it lightly. There are doubts, there is fear, there is wonder, and most of it doesn't make sense at first, so we'll see a lot of Chalex grasping at trying to understand things here. Also, as it is a character study, it's not solely focused on their relationship, but as they're endgame for me it was impossible not to go there. With that in mind, I hope you enjoy my takeaway on how things played out for them. I thank you already for reading!

To be fair, Alex should have noticed it sooner.

He would be lying if he said he hadn't paid attention to boys way before trying to kiss his best friend. He _had_ paid attention.

From the moment boys around him had started to grow taller, and their voices started to crack and thicken – himself included –, his eyes had lingered. Over faces that now lost whatever was left of baby fat. Over Adam's apples that became more prominent. Over chests that now filled up sports shirts during P.E. Alex wouldn't deny that he had noticed these changes with what was probably more than just a clinical, analytical look, but he hadn't paid it too much mind. He figured it was a thing boys did to compare their own growth pace to others. Or so he believed, for the longest time.

But honestly, realization had not settled in until he was suddenly sporting a boner after months and months of being unable to get it up at all. And to his surprise, that came to happen thanks to his very male best friend, of all people. Alex had thought his dick was broken for good; it didn't work with porn, didn't work with jerking off, didn't work with _Jess_. And yet there he was, panting hard after grappling with Zach in the gym's locker room, shocked outside of his mind as he looked down to his bulging shorts. _It worked._

And it had worked while he was touching another boy. That gave him pause for the first time.

Zach had brushed it off as a physical contact thing, and Alex had played along, both because he didn't want to make things more awkward and because he was so damn happy he wasn't broken beyond repair he would gladly swallow any excuse that came his way. But later that same day, as he found himself alone in his room, sleep hard to come by as per usual lately, he was forced to think things through.

There was nothing girly about Zach that could have excused this. On the opposite: he was a 6'3'' jock, with broad shoulders and strong limbs. Alex would know that for a fact – the times he had needed help from those very solid arms weren't few and far between. And as hard as he had tried to ignore how much he liked his hands on him on such occasions, it all seemed to come crashing down to the forefront of his mind now.

It explained a lot why he didn't feel anything when he was with Jess. It explained so much he was _freaking the hell out_.

On top of all the things – being an outcast, being a failure, being a cripple – he was a fucking homo, too. Jesus. His life was a shit-show. He couldn't catch a break.

Alex was not even surprised when he found out that Jess was hooking up with Justin again after they broke up – and that it had happened while they were still a thing. It had hurt to know that, but mostly on his ego, if he were to be honest with himself. It hurt mostly because he already felt so broken that being swapped so easily because he couldn't satisfy her in bed just furthered his feeling of inadequacy. But Alex didn't have it in himself to blame her. Deep down, as bitter as it was to admit, those hadn't been good times for him either. He had tried his best to enjoy it, to be into it, but he wasn't. He had tried to make it work because he figured that was expected of him. And while he had put an effort into making things good with Jess, he felt relieved when he could stop trying so hard to want her.

Which only brought him face to face with himself again. He wasn't into girls. It was harder to deny these days. And it wasn't even a matter of not loving Jess – because he had loved her with all he could, considering how out of sorts he felt after all the shit he went through. He had loved her at the best of his capacities, and that hadn't been enough to make him desire her. If he couldn't feel this way for Jess, he doubted any other girl would do it for him.

(He had gone as far as trying to do it with a hooker, and if that wasn't his lowest of lows in matters of denial, he didn't know what else could be. When Alex found himself breaking into tears held by the arms of said hooker – and what was worst, she seemed to understand perfectly what he was going through, as if he wasn't the first broken boy to come to her bed looking for answers he was scared to find –, he decided it was enough. He still had some semblance of dignity left in him, for fuck's sake. He had shit to figure out and come to terms with, and it was on him entirely to do so. No one else could do the job for him.)

And the thing is, Alex _knew_ what was going on. Had known for a while, wasn't really flashing news. But between recovering from a suicide attempt and coming to grips with the fact that he had fucking killed someone, it was easy to find excuses not to face the fact that he was-- well. Not straight. Into boys. He didn't know how to name it yet, and he wasn't sure if he even wanted to. If he _needed_ to. His sole existence had already been labeled so much _(freak, weirdo, hole-in-the-head, suicidal, gimp)_ he wasn't sure he wanted to add another one to the list.

It had been on an impulse that he had kissed Zach on that roof. He hadn't planned to. Truth be told, if Alex had thought things through, he surely would not have done so. Zach had never given any indication that he went for boys – especially recently, as he seemed to jump from girl to girl in an impressive succession. Also, the crush he had had on his jock friend – alright, _fine_ , he had mulled the concept in his head long enough now to admit there had been a crush at some point – had wanned somewhere between Zach getting so close with Chloe and his own flunk with Jess. If anything, Alex's timing couldn't have been worse.

He knew he didn't have a chance. It wasn't about that. Alex was just coming to terms with his preferences, and Zach's arms had felt so firm as they wrapped around him. He felt safe. It all jumbled up pretty nicely in his head, and so he took a shot – not really expecting to get anything in return; it was mostly as if he were testing himself. To see if he could do it. To see how it would feel like.

And it had felt _fucking great_.

That is, until Zach stepped back and let him down gently. Alex was grateful for that, at least. On a second thought that obviously only came after he had already taken the leap, he could have ruined everything. Their friendship, their closeness, the trust they had on each other. He was glad that didn't happen, and he thought this through on that rooftop as Zach held him loosely with an arm across his shoulders. He loved Zach with all his heart, but it was past the time to acknowledge they would never go any further than friends. Alex could do fine with that.

One thing to wonder in this whole experience, though, was that his awareness had skyrocketed following their impromptu kiss. He had never been more conscious of boys than during the days immediately after he kissed Zach. It was almost as if a switch had been flipped on – while before he merely wondered about how would it be like to be with another boy, now he'd had a small taste of it. True, it had been the chastest touch of lips Alex had ever had since middle school, but it only served to leave him wanting. To leave him imagining what would it be like to have more. His eyes followed pretty much every boy that came across him these days – measuring, analyzing, tracing curves and planes and lines, committing them to memory as he tried to figure out what he liked. He still didn't know. He wanted to know.

And then Winston had whirled his way into his life, unasking and unapologetic – and what was before an assumption turned into a conviction so fast Alex felt like he was scrambling to catch up. There was no fucking way he could have known it before, how _good_ it could feel. It was one thing to entertain the idea of being with boys in a more intimate way, and another thing entirely to actually do it. Being with Winston soothed a need he wasn't aware had been there for so long. As if he had grown used to it over time, to the point he didn't notice anymore that something was lacking. That _he_ had been lacking. And now he felt completed, appeased, almost whole.

(He couldn't point out exactly what it was that still was missing, but he didn't want to delve deeper into it for now. _For now_ , he would take his time discovering himself, what he liked and what he didn't, how far he could go before he felt so overwhelmed he couldn't think straight anymore. It was mind-blowing. His body felt amazing, coming alive in ways he wasn't even aware were possible. Now he understood why, no matter how hard he tried, he could never make things work with Jess. It had been good with her, but it was not like this, and most important – it was not because he was broken. He had never been, and it was such a relief to finally understand this that Alex felt like he could cry.)

But things with Winston had gone sideways, as they were wont to in his life, and Alex wondered not for the first time what the fuck was wrong with him. He had thought his bouts of self-doubt and self-hatred would be gone now that he knew why it hadn't been that good with girls. But reality had been quick to show him how fast a boy could break your heart too. Maybe he was just meant to be out of luck when it came to love, and it didn't really matter whether he tried it with a boy or with a girl. It was just the way things were.

On the absolute opposite to what happened after he kissed Zach, his after-Winston reactions were limited to not being interested in anyone for a while. He wouldn't even look, because what was the point, really. The way he saw it, having an interest in both boys and girls only meant you had double the chances to be hurt. Alex was almost amused by this notion, amidst his bitterness. If anything, he was discouraged to give it another shot with anyone whatsoever. 

Or so he had thought, until one Charles St. George stepped carefully onto the spotlight.

Charlie had claimed his space in Alex's life for a while now, what with being his friend and a shoulder to lean on after the whole Winston debacle. He had wormed his way into his thoughts so slowly and delicately Alex wasn't even aware at first that it had happened. But from the moment their lips met, after that stupid, frightening drill they had endured together, he had to wonder how he had not realized it before. It was so on the nose Alex assumed he was really out of orbit not to have noticed.

As he came to grips with it, he could see it had been there the whole time – the way Charlie looked at him, how he was always available, how close he liked to sit beside him, how he would go out of his way to help Alex on whatever it was. The boy had fucking googled his injury, for Christ's sake. Who even does that, who even cares that much. It was beyond Alex's comprehension how he had not seen this one coming, but he knew this: it could not be. You just needed to take one good look at Charlie to understand why he and Alex would never be a match. It wasn't really hard to see.

But apparently it was for Charlie, for the boy didn't give up on pursuing him. And Alex wouldn't deny, he was flattered, but the prevailing feeling was that he didn't deserve the younger jock. So he pushed him away, tried to put as much distance between them as he could. He was deliberately mean on more than one occasion, and while it made his heart ache that he was treating Charlie so, he believed it was for the best. Someone so scarred like Alex didn't have the right to taint such a ray of pure sunshine as Charlie fucking St. George.

The boy was all smiles, and positivity, and self-assurance. They were such extreme opposites it bewildered Alex. Charlie didn't mind being affectionate with him in front of pretty much anyone at school, and Alex couldn't wrap his mind around it. He had come to terms with not being straight but was made acutely aware now that he wasn't sure if he wanted everyone else to know. He feared the reactions. Things had finally come to a point where people didn't openly stare at him on the hallways anymore, and Alex would not be the one inviting the looks back by coming out. So you see, it could never work, between him and Charlie. And as sad as it was to come to this conclusion, for he really liked the younger boy, he believed Charlie himself would realize it with time, too.

And the whole thing would have probably run its course if Alex wasn't forced to face just how much he liked Charlie after he got hurt during the riot. He thought his heart had stopped in his chest when he saw Charlie lying motionless on the floor. Everything came rushing at him at this moment – how much he had already lost and suffered, how much pain he had gone through. And he had to wonder why was he doing this to himself again, why was he pushing away something that could be good for him. Alex promised to himself, as he held Charlie's head in his lap while they waited for the paramedics, that he wouldn't do it anymore. He wouldn't hurt himself and Charlie further. Hell, he would ask Charlie out himself, if only the younger boy came out of this unharmed, and he was praying so hard he was surprised to see he still held on to such things as faith and hope. He didn't know he still had it in him.

Charlie escaped with a mild concussion and a few scratches, and was up and about the next day, texting Alex his thanks for staying with him throughout the ruckus. Alex gritted his teeth and went over to his house. He would make good on his promise.

And he would be the first to admit that after he allowed himself to be with Charlie, to let the boy make him smile, to be infected with his positive energy – to feel everything that was blooming on his chest and he had tried to push away – then, it was easy. Easier than it had any right to be, in his opinion. No one should have the ability to complete him so. No one should feel this right against his body, against his heart, as Charlie did. He remembered thinking, while he was with Winston, that despite it feeling so good, it didn't feel whole. As he looked into Charlie's eyes and drowned in the kindness, the acceptance, the affection he saw there, Alex knew just what he had been missing then.

Coming out to his parents felt terrifying – but in the end, it had played out so well it surpassed even Alex's more optimistic expectations. It came to show how long he and his father had bonded during the past years. The look on his eyes as he welcomed Charlie to their dinner table was not one of disgust, or reproval, or even resignation – he looked happy for Alex, as he hadn't looked in a while. His mom had tears in her eyes as she embraced him. Peter was gushing over Charlie probably more than Alex himself did. His family was supportive of who he was. They accepted him. They were _proud_.

(Some part of his mind told him this was only because for a while there they thought Alex wouldn't be around to share the news with them. Alex embraced this part and told it to shut the fuck up. It was, indeed, a miracle that he was standing in his dining room, introducing his boyfriend to his family. It shouldn't be possible, and yet here they were. He had overcome so much to be where he was – he felt he was finally coming to understand this and accept the good things coming his way. He deserved this. He deserved Charlie. Being kind to himself was an exercise he was trying to be better at, and it was hard most of the time. He relapsed to mean thoughts more often than he would like, but here, this night, he would allow himself the luxury to enjoy it.)

Alex laid on his bed that night still amazed, and thankful, and so fucking happy. He felt proud of himself for what it felt like the first time in a long while. Not only in being a survivor but also – and mainly – in allowing himself the love and the acceptance he didn't think he was worthy of. This was the hardest part for him. He still grappled with feeling deserving.

But making it this far had taught him these feelings had to arise from within. If Alex could not be gentle enough to lend himself some kindness, it didn't really matter if everyone else did. It had to start with him. And it had been a long, long way until he was able to see that, but he was now in a place where he felt brave enough to love himself just as he was – with his flaws and quirks, and moods, and shortcomings. With all the strength he now knew he possessed. It was grounding and dizzying at the same time. It was wonderful.

As he curled under the blankets, he had a small smile on his face. It would be ok. _He_ would be ok. This was just the beginning of his life, really, and he finally felt like he could look onwards with hope. With love. With pride.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> give Alex some love, we all know he deserves it <3


	2. Charlie

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I feel like I'll have to take a couple day's break cause my brain just melted after this one. The possibilities with Charlie were so many, cause we don't see as much of him as we saw of Alex on the show, and this proved to be more of a curse than a blessing at some points, lol. Add this to the fact I'm not used to write from Charlie's point of view and GUYS I'M SO FREAKING NERVOUS. Please be kind to let me know what you think of this one. I really hope you enjoy how it turned out.

To be fair, Charlie has known it all along.

Not as a conscious thought he grew up being aware of, no – but as a general feeling that he perceived things differently from other boys his age. He remembered very clearly, at age 7, picking up flowers in his garden on Valentine's Day to gift his favorite people in the world. His little girl friend, Amanda, had beamed delightedly at him upon receiving the flower, scurrying to tell all the other kids of what just happened.

His friend Joshua, on the other hand, had frowned at the gift and stared back at Charlie with a puzzled expression on his face. According to him, boys didn't give such things to other boys, not on Valentine's Day, not on any other day. Then he threw the flower in the trash can and spent about a week throwing Charlie sideway glances before he stopped talking to him entirely.

7-year-old Charlie got very upset about this. He felt himself very, very small whenever he passed Joshua at school, and his eyes prickled in a valiant effort to hold back his tears. He didn't understand what he'd done wrong – it was just a show of his appreciation for the other boy. But he didn't try to salvage their friendship. If this was something boys shouldn't do, maybe Charlie didn't want to befriend boys at all. He would be fine being friends with girls.

And so he did, for most of his younger years. It was not that he actively avoided being friends with other boys – he had a couple ones he liked to gush about cartoons and football, and the kinds of things girls usually weren't into, but that was about it. He found it easier to be around girls, for he didn't have to watch over his natural inclinations to be open, and earnest, and kind. Boys just didn't do the emotional thing and were expected to put on a tough face all the time. Charlie found the whole concept very tiring. With girls, he could just be himself – naive, wide-eyed Charlie St. George, who liked reading, and stuffed animals, and playing catch.

But that started to backfire a bit as he grew up, going from a chubby kid on elementary school to a dapper football player on junior high. He was not a stranger to the concept that athletes exerted this inexplicable spell over girls, but it was one thing to be aware of it and another one entirely to be affected by it. Charlie was slow on the uptake as the girls around him all of a sudden – from his point of view, at least – started to swoon and make eyes at him at every single thing he said. It was so awkward. But it was not until Stella McGrath grew bold and smacked her lips against his this one time after third period that he came to terms with what was going on.

He panicked for about five seconds – and he could tell from her face that she was panicking too – but had enough presence of mind in himself to play it cool. Charlie and Stella started dating real soon after that (if you could even call it dating, considering they were 14-year-olds back then), and while he did grow to like her with time, he was also under the impression she liked more that he was on the football team than anything specific about him. And while he supposed it should bother him more, it didn't. His grades were good, he was doing fine on the team, and he had a girlfriend. He could sense other boys with no such luck looking at him with this funny mix of admiration and jealousy in their faces. Charlie wouldn't lie, it was nice to be on his shoes. There was not much else he could ask for.

Also, ever since he'd started on the football team, his friendships with boys had increased significantly. This opened an entirely new universe of possibilities, the likes of which he had not dared to imagine before. The odd looks he used to get for not having male friends remained in elementary school, as people were quick to forget things now that he was a jock. It _did_ come with its privileges.

He and his teammates became very close, which Charlie assumed was the natural thing to happen. And frankly speaking, he was glad to have boys as friends, at last. Not to downplay his girl friends or anything, but the more he grew, the more he realized there were things he was embarrassed to discuss with them. Like, boy things. Boy things going on _with his body_. How does one even go on such a conversation with a girl without sounding like a perv?

(Not that boys had _actual conversations_ about this, but just the general banter and mockery was enough to acknowledge that it happened to all of them, and he felt like less of an asshole for growing a boner just by sitting beside Stella, holding her hand while they watched a movie at the Crestmont. You see, her skin was very soft, and her hair tickled his nose when she laid her head on his shoulder, and it smelled so good, like roses. Charlie couldn't remember half the movie.)

As someone who'd grown up used to having female friends, it felt weird for Charlie to drift apart from them, but everyone else seemed to think it was normal. As he reached high school, the main rule seemed to be that girls were not for him to be friends with, but to have dates with. And while Charlie was just fine with it, really – after ending things with Stella, he was in no shortage of girls interested in him, and it both terrified and amazed him in equal parts – he also felt there was this part of him that was left lacking. 

He missed deeper conversations, missed being comfortable with displays of affection, missed talking about his friends' love interests, and having fun grading the other boys at school. (Charlie often thought about his own investment in this particular activity. He was cool admitting he watched boys with his friends because he believed he was helping them with their crushes. It was not until later in life that he realized he was the one with a crush on more than one occasion. Lisa Whitley would probably not have crushed so hard on Colton Brown if Charlie himself weren't so intent on him. It was so clear in his mind now he wondered if anyone else had seen it coming.

But apparently not. The jock stereotype was strong enough to cover up anything else. And there was no such thing as a gay jock. The mere idea was stupid, the concepts just didn't go together. Charlie wonders to what degree this started to feel so true to him that it slowed his self-awareness.)

His buddies on the team did no such girly things – except for the grading part, but it didn't hold the same vibe. On the opposite, actually. The way his friends talked about the girls at school sounded disrespectful and offensive, and Charlie steered his way out of it as most as he could.

It was inevitable sometimes, though. Sometimes, he had to play the part to be seen as _one of the guys_. And sometimes, he could do it just enough to make it count. But on most times, he felt so wrong he just nodded his head and plastered a smile on his face, hoping they would stop soon. He felt a coward for not calling them out. He also felt like he had finally found a way to be accepted into the male universe, and he was not willing to risk that. At least not just yet.

That started to change when Zach Dempsey was made captain instead of Monty – a turn of events that pissed off a lot of the players, himself included, but _now_ he could see the reasoning behind it. Zach didn't take any of their shit and was openly reproachful of sexist comments on and outside the field. At about the same time, Jessica Davis won for student body president and started her raging campaign against the athletes. It was a hostile atmosphere to be in, for a while. Charlie was bothered by it at first, and as someone who had grown up around girls, it took him longer than he would like to admit to see that it was not Jessica and Zach's criticism that hurt.

It was the fact that he'd been endorsing a lot of shit he was so contrary to only to be welcomed on the team. Charlie felt so ashamed when he realized this he reached out to every single girl he had been friends with over the years – and he noticed with a pang of sadness he wasn't close to any of them anymore. Then he apologized. That had gone mildly well. Angie smiled at him and said she'd always known he wasn't a bad person. Lydia had whacked him on the head with an honestly very heavy history book and warned him she would cut his balls off if he were ever an asshole again. He promised her he wouldn't. And he meant it. She was scarier than even Jessica, so Charlie took her words very seriously.

And as the year progressed and the culture slowly seemed to change on Liberty High, it was due to football, ironically enough, that he started to notice _things_ about himself.

You need to understand this: Charlie was not unused to see male bodies. He shared locker rooms with his teammates ever since he was twelve, and he had seen far more boy parts than he was willing to disclose. And yes, his eyes had lingered in more than one occasion, curious and hesitant, quick not to be caught staring. But he was not the only one to do so – he had noticed other kids looking too, especially the smaller ones, whose growth spurt was slower, and he figured it was an insecurity thing. Boys _could_ be insecure about their bodies, it was not exclusively a girl thing. Even if you were an athlete. He, for one, looked at the older boys he played with and couldn't help but wonder when he would sprout up like that. Pubescence was a bitch, in his opinion. No matter how hard you worked out, your body would still have its own pace to develop and it would not care at all how much faster you wanted it to happen. It was a bit unfair, he decided, as he watched other boys fill into their jerseys while he didn't.

But then one day, as unsuspicious as any other day – sun was shining, wind was blowing, sky was blue –, the Tigers were invited to watch a college-level practice. They were given a tour as their coaches rambled about college teams, and applications, and the likes, and then they were offered the opportunity of a quick training session with the varsity team. All was fine till they got to hit the showers. And then Charlie just stared. 

These college guys' bodies were nothing like his teammates'. _Nothing._ They were all very manly, and strong, and so damn muscular, having already grown to their full capacities. Charlie felt a bit winded, and he figured he was doing a poor job of hiding his wonder, so he quickly grabbed his stuff and fled the room. He was _not_ taking a chance of showering with all those glistening torsos around.

He waited by the bus, slow intakes of breath to try and rein in his internal meltdown. And the sun still shone, the wind still blew, the sky was still blue. The day was the fucking same, but Charlie St. George was not. All it took was one single moment for everything to click into place, and once it did, there was no way to unsee it. 

_Shit._

Charlie felt as if a lot of things he was previously intrigued about suddenly made sense all at once. To be honest, he wasn't that much surprised. He had seen it coming, a slow awareness growing in the back of his mind that he hadn't taken the chance to look at directly, for some reason. He knew his eyes drifted at lunch, during practice, over classes – he wasn't unaware of it, but for the first time, he was confronted with the notion that the way he looked at boys was maybe not in mere admiration of their physical prowess. There was more to it. The funny part was that now that he saw it for what it was, he could identify about ten different crushes he'd had on boys over the years and hadn't seen it was about that.

He was worried that the first time he stepped into a locker room after his recent awakening would be a life-changing experience _(again)_ , so he postponed it the most he could. He liked playing football. He didn't want to be singled out because he unknowingly stared at his mates as they showered. But as it turned out, finding out you might be into boys doesn't magically turn you into a creep all of a sudden, and Charlie was relieved to learn so when he could not escape right after practice one day. His buddies continued to be just his buddies, just as his girl friends had been just his girl friends back then. Possibly liking boys didn't mean you had to be interested in every single boy on Earth.

(Though Charlie had reasons to believe this was probably a matter of being too used to his friends' looks or something because he'd been having a good time enjoying some hot pics on adult websites. Once he grew bold, he moved on to videos. And there was no way anyone he knew could come any closer to those guys online. It gave him pause to think if he would actually like it in a real setting. Like, maybe he was just imagining things? Maybe if he were to be with a guy in real life, he would not like it? God, he hated that he couldn't just _know_.)

To his utter bewilderment, things moved pretty fast for him to confront his doubts. That is to say, in the span of a week. 

Despite all the girls Charlie had been with, things had never escalated beyond second base. He wasn't daring enough to push further for fear of overstepping, and they had also been too shy to go for it. Then one amazing afternoon after practice, head cheerleader from Lakeside High he had met on a party – who was older and seemed to have grown to like him a bit too quickly – climbed onto his lap on the backseat of her car, and was so intent and focused in undoing his pants that Charlie pretty much just sat back and stared in wonder. He couldn't have said no if he wanted to, and he was very damn sure he didn't want to. She was pretty and soft, and so damn confident in the way that she moved and directed him on what to do and-- _fuck_ , he didn't even last, he was so overwhelmed. She gave him a knowing smirk and kissed him fondly on the cheek before rolling her skirt back down and moving on with her life.

And Charlie's own life, in a surprising streak of activeness, seemed to think a good idea to put him face-to-face with his questions right after that, for as he attended a party that weekend – half-expecting to run into the head cheerleader again and maybe have another go? He _could_ last longer, he knew he could – he was presented with his first opportunity to hook up with a boy. 

And Charlie didn't say no. He would be damned if he did.

It was hot and hurried and messy, and they didn't even do much more than kissing and some general groping, because it was the first time for the both of them, and they were so scared to be caught by their friends. Ironically enough, they made out inside of a closet, and the metaphor couldn't have worked better, because the moment Charlie stepped outside of it, clothes ruffled and hair sticking weirdly in places, he knew he was done for good. There was no way in this world he was only straight.

It honestly made a bit of a mess in his head. He half expected that if he started to like boys, he wouldn't mind girls anymore, but _holy shit_ , he liked both. Was it okay to like both? Did you have to like one better than the other? Or was it like 50/50? Was he just incapable to stick to one? Was it a phase – would he grow out of boys with time and focus only on girls? Or maybe the other way around? There were so many fucking questions!! (Yet he couldn't focus on them very much that weekend. His head got trapped on his encounters these last few days, and just remembering got him all worked up, and he might have jerked off more than what was considered healthy that Sunday. Thinking of both experiences. Sometimes at the same time.)

Now, Charlie was not as oblivious as one would think. He knew the term _bisexual_ , knew what it meant. But did it apply to him, though? How could he know for sure? So far, he had only made out with one boy. Was that enough to qualify him as bi person?

With his best interests in mind, he thought the best way to reassure his doubts was to make out with as many boys and girls he could from now on. You know. To be sure.

But the idea worked better in his head than in reality. He soon found out that hooking up with girls was so much easier. They approached him naturally and took his flirting for what it was. Boys were harder to come by – there weren't many out boys that he knew of, and the ones who were usually didn't think he would go for it, being a jock and everything. The damn stereotype. 

So he did the next obvious thing and turned to Grindr. But his expectations were let down again because most boys on Grindr just wanted one thing specifically, and Charlie wasn't going down this road just yet. As far as he could tell, things had moved pretty fast already. He was not that eager to jump right into sex with another boy. _Yes_ , he was curious, but he wanted to take his time figuring things out first, and he thought it too large a step to take when he'd barely kissed one guy so far. He morosely uninstalled the app from his phone after a few failed attempts.

But he had this knowledge now, though. That he was not straight. That he liked boys too. And even if in a practical manner his life had not changed that much on the outside – he still dated only girls and had not told anyone about being into boys –, on the _inside_ , it was a truth he now was aware of. And it was his to tell whenever he wanted to, to whomever he wanted to. Which was hard, because sometimes he just wanted to blurt it out to everyone, and that was not exactly an option.

It was not a matter of being ashamed. It was about being scared that the people he liked most started to see him differently. He still felt the same Charlie, just now he also liked boys. It shouldn't be a big deal, but somehow it felt like it was. And he wanted to tell someone about it, but who could he talk to? He missed times where he could talk to girls about things. Now his closest friends were all jocks, and his father was slightly more religious than the average. And even if that was not the case, he didn't feel like he needed to tell his father while there was not a significant other in his life. As to his friends, even though some aspects of the predominant toxic masculinity had eased a bit among the Tigers, he was not so sure as to what point this extended. Again, he really liked playing football. He didn't want to risk it.

But then he got tipsy this one time during a party the team threw after a victory, and things slipped out of his control. After almost everyone had left, Charlie had a bit too much to drink and was in a cheerful mood. To this day, he has no idea what got into him – but the fact remained that he stood on the very tip of his toes and smooched Luke right on the corner of his mouth. The taller jock pushed him away playfully, screaming bloody murder at being harassed so, and everyone had laughed it off and returned to their normal bantering. But Charlie had remained wide-eyed after the whole affair, caught by surprise at his impulses taking over. He sobered up so quickly it left him feeling queasy, and he didn't know if it was the alcohol or the stupid thing he'd just done. So much for not wanting his teammates to know.

The next day before practice, Diego caught up to him and carefully wrapped him into an unassuming conversation that somehow ended up with him telling the senior jock that yeah, he liked boys just fine. How the fuck did Diego manage to entrap him so still eluded him. But the good side was finding out he had nothing to fear from his teammates after all. Diego shoved his fist in the air victoriously and demanded the ten bucks Justin apparently owed him. Luke eyed him flabbergasted and then cracked up in a boisterous laugh, joking he would never imagine he was Charlie's type. He was patted on the back and reassured this changed nothing, for he was still the same great player he had always been to their eyes. He was _accepted_. It was honestly so damn easy that if he had known previously it would be so, he would have already told them. He was dying to tell someone ever since he'd found out.

After that, in a surprising turn of events, his friends took it upon themselves to make sure Charlie would have enough options to choose from at the parties they attended to. It was funny, to say the least. Especially because it never really worked when they tried to hook him up with boys. They were never into him, the ones his friends picked, and Charlie had to wonder if being a wingman was only successful if you worked under your own sexual orientation. But that didn't seem to wear them down. On the opposite – as time passed, they became intent in getting Charlie laid. With a boy. And there was nothing Charlie could say that would dissuade them from this notion because according to them, it was only logical that if you liked both boys and girls, you had to have sex with both boys and girls. The reasoning behind it both escaped and amazed Charlie at the same time.

But as things escalated, he was forced to have a sit-down with his buddies and use his stern voice to demand them to stop this nonsense. He was glad for their support, and he did not take it lightly, but his personal life should be his to make decisions on. And he believed things would happen when they had to happen, no Liberty Tigers' influence needed. No rush to get to places. He wanted to figure things out on his own. The jocks grumbled their understanding, and despite looking a little rebellious over the whole thing (there had been some twenty bucks waiting for the one responsible to get Charlie laid), they agreed to let it go.

For which Charlie was grateful – but that didn't mean he wasn't curious. You know, about sex. He was – curious and eager and wishing so bad to run into a boy he would like and that would like him in return. Didn't even had to be exclusively about the sex, really. He just wanted to have this experience – to date, and hold hands, and have mindless conversations, and make out until their brains were foggy. As he'd already done with girls. He wanted to see how it worked with a guy.

That's why when he kissed Alex Standall after the drill – and then Alex had kissed him back, and he was _over the moon_ – he was quick to assume they would be a thing. He was too fast on wanting more, and his judgment was clouded. He didn't think for a second that Alex maybe wouldn't be into the idea.

And Charlie found this hard to accept because he was _so into Alex_. It had started with friendly fondness as soon as they began to hang out together during winter break, and had grown to a full-fledged crush a couple of months later. Charlie had no idea what to do with that – all the other times he'd had feelings for boys, things had been mainly platonic. It was new territory for him to be crushing so hard on someone he was friends with.

He didn't even know if Alex liked boys too. Monty used to call him names all the time, but as it turned around, Monty wasn't the best person to get his opinions from, as Zach had once pointed out. While he grappled with growing balls to ask Alex out and trying to talk himself out of it not to ruin their friendship, Winston Williams came and went out of Alex's life, leaving a trail of destruction and one very angry Charlie behind, because how fucking dare he hurt Alex so. His heart ached at seeing him sad. If anything, now was not the time to try any funny business, so he swallowed his feelings and put Alex's first. He could be the friend he needed after a breakup.

And Charlie mostly managed to keep his emotions to himself (though he was sure it was written plainly on his face because that was just the way he was when he liked someone, he couldn't hide it for shit) but when he heard Alex calling himself a freak in such a spiteful way after the drill, he couldn't hold it in any longer. He had to show this boy just how precious he was – and as the words seemed to falter him, he closed the gap between their lips with as much affection as he managed to pour into a kiss, all the while hoping it was enough to make it clear to Alex that he would never think such a thing of him. That no one should. That _Alex_ shouldn't either.

On second thought, it was maybe not the best timing. The day had already been a rollercoaster of emotions, and while Alex admitted he was surprised by the kiss, what surprised Charlie was that Alex kissed him back. Right after. With _intent_. Charlie thought he would melt on the spot, and he was still finding it hard to forgive Tony for interrupting them.

So yeah, in his mind it felt clear that they would start something after that. But he was made painfully aware of the opposite the very next day when Alex squashed his attempt at a hug at school. His heart was squashed a little alongside it, too.

He couldn't understand how Alex wasn't thrilled about this. He _had_ kissed him back. Had he regretted it? Charlie had assumed they would pick up from there because for him it was the natural next step to take. They'd been friends for a while now, they knew each other, liked each other's company – what was wrong with adding a bit more intimacy to it? Seriously, it felt only logical. Didn't Alex see it?

And on top of all that reasoning, Charlie just _wanted_ to. Alex was all barbs, and sharp edges, and a zero nonsense policy. He didn't mind being nice to you just to make you like him, and yet it was so, so easy to like him. His smiles were rare to come by, but it only made them more precious for it, and Charlie celebrated as a personal victory every time he managed to earn one. They were so different, and Charlie was so in over his head. Never in his life had he run into someone like Alex. So yeah, he was a bit in love there, he admitted. And maybe that wasn't it for Alex yet – maybe he would be slower on the uptake, while Charlie had been down this road for some time now. That's why he was confident that they could make it work, so he didn't mind waiting. He would not give up on Alex, no matter how hard the older boy tried to push him away – and he _did_ try. A lot.

But the wait was so worth when Alex finally gave in to his feelings and allowed Charlie to be with him. Charlie still found it hard to believe sometimes that it had happened. For a while there, he actually feared Alex would not give them a chance. And he had this mild suspicion that the older boy only came around after he saw him hurt during the riot. He never thought he would be grateful for a concussion, but life can be sneaky like that. 

Dating Alex was a whole experience on its own. It was probably made better by the fact that neither of them had actually dated another boy before. Sure, Alex had been with Winston, and Charlie had had a couple of boys here and there, but it had never been like this. Everything he did with Alex seemed to blow his mind away. Catching a movie on the Crestmont. Playing video games after school. Making out in his car before he dropped Alex home. Sneaking into his room so they could spend the night together (and seriously, could Alex get any cuter, all nervous about them _doing things_ and asking Charlie if they could just really, actually sleep). Even just holding hands. Charlie found out it didn't really matter what they were doing, as long as they were doing it together. That was enough to make it a good time. And yes, he was aware of how cheesy it sounded, thanks, Diego. But he didn't mind. He had waited and wondered and fantasized so much about this, and in the end the real thing was so much better than anything he could have expected. Alex made him so happy all Charlie could think about was being able to do the same for him. 

He imagined this all characterized Alex as a significant other, even if they had not labeled their relationship yet. But this was the closest he'd ever had to a boyfriend (and God, he hoped he could be using this word in a very near future), so. _So._ Now he had all the reason he needed to tell his father about it.

Saying the words "I'm bisexual" to his father felt scary, but not enough to dissuade him from going through with it. He faced it head-on. The fact that his dad was so welcoming was the best surprise ever – followed by what was probably the best conversation they'd had in years. The moment just wasn't perfect because his mother wasn't there. It made him sad that this was a conversation he would never have with her – she had been his best supporter and best friend, and he was sure she would be loving and receptive of anything he told her. But he knew that no matter where she was, she was looking upon them right now, smiling her approval at her husband and her son for making this an opportunity to strengthen their bonds.

Putting things into perspective, Charlie had to wonder if he was so transparent, looking from the outside. Was he that obvious? Whenever he had to come out, he felt like he was doing this very big revelation, and it made him afraid of people's reactions, and in the end they just acted like they'd known it all along. He was _not_ complaining, let's make it quite clear. It was such a relief and a blessing to be able to count on his family and friends. It was just. From where he stood now, it felt like he'd made such a fuss out of nothing because what really mattered was how he felt about himself – and wasn't that something to think about. Charlie wished he could have known it sooner, but he also understood some lessons you can only learn with time.

He was comfortable with his sexuality. From the moment he had figured out what was going on with him, he hadn't been ashamed at any level. Yes, there had been a lot of doubts and questions, but as Charlie grew to know himself better, it actually made him proud to just like people for people. The way he saw it, the more important things laid on the inside. The exterior was merely secondary. 

As he chances a look at Alex sitting by his side on the passenger's seat, eyes trained on his phone as he mutters the song on the radio under his breath, he can't help the smile that spreads across his face. It was a long way to get here, and he wished he could tell 7-year-old Charlie upset over his flower being thrown into the garbage not to worry, for one day he would have one very amazing boyfriend that would reciprocate his feelings just as he deserved.

The smile is still on his face as he reaches a hand to hold Alex's over his knee, and his heart skips a beat when Alex looks up from his phone and returns the gesture. Charlie feels very lucky in this particular moment. He is happy, he is bi, and he is so fucking proud.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you all so much for reading <3


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